I do not enjoy falling sick. Technically it has all the right ingredients to make one happy - lying in bed, covered with a nice comforter , off from work , someone fussing over you or you wallowing in self pity and definitely somewhere someone missing you ; even if it is to find the blasted file you tucked under Miscellaneous because you could not figure whether it went under B for Bastard , J for Jerk or S for sonofabitch. The problem is the other factors do not play along -so you are sniffing , burning with fever with every joint twisting itself like it is on Torquemada's rack of torture . It is called the "flu" and as that is the generic name for any undiagnosed fever, the doctor gives you a "broad spectrum "antibiotic. Notwithstanding how the virus may react to it , I react very badly. I walk around with a sandpaper tongue that feels like it has been dragged for a week over a field covered with bitter gourds and thistles. My mother always said - sickness and feasting should not last more than three days . Unfortunately the Salmonella and the Ecoli have not been told this .So they continue to party in my system for a lot more days than they are supposed to. Then they leave all the mess (typically like teenagers after the party) and I walk around looking like a raccoon with dark circles around my eyes , like a Slow Loris with a perpetual look of misery. Actually the Slow Loris has a jolly good reason considering there are so many morons whose manhood depends on this creature. They believe it has aphrodisiac qualities . How stupid can people be : there is a reason it is called slow , dummy!!
The last time I used the word aphrodisiac in public was when another ace dummy asked me why I was chewing cardamom and I told him because it is a proven aphrodisiac . Frankly , I would rather use that to freshen my breath than some rubbish that some filmstar chucks into his mouth which comes in a golden sachet and will probably give me mouth cancer. The last I heard was the guy was masticating cardamom by the handfuls. So all you masala chai ladies and biryani making mamas you know why the cost went up - yeah I confess to the crime!
Sometimes , it is absolute fun to say something outrageous with an innocent face. My male college mate and I were in a crowded lift when in stage whisper I said : "I missed two periods " and while I saw a few freeze in shock and others arch an eyebrow of disapproval and a lot of lip twisting with - oh-my-god-girls-these-days look I continued : " one in international law and the other in jurisprudence "and jumped off at the next floor. I haven't cackled like that for a long time and my friend went into a black-slapping high-fiving frenzy .
It was one of those official boring parties that one has to attend . There were crass plutocrats, self serving bureaucrats , dripping-with saccharine socialites and fuddies and duddies by the dozen. There were also the pompous academics , the type whose necks are stiffened in case the cloud of knowledge that hangs over their head dissipates if they shake their learned noddle around. My wicked self could take the dreariness no longer , so I picked on the man who I knew was pretty prurient and with the wonderful stage whisper leaned across and said "oh yes , I totally support polygamy and polyandry". All the men formed a tight circle around me all evening to hear the merits which ( I humbly submit) I argued quite well . I wonder why the women in the room glared at me all evening ! Mr Prurient was so titillated by the thought that he smacked some one's bottom, I heard . Luckily for him it was his long suffering PhD student who had worse things done to him , I am sure.I have seen him sent to collect Madam's blouses from the tailor,filling bank challans and depositing cash in the bank , picking up lunch from the canteen and filling water bottle from the water cooler . Once he was sent on a city jaunt to find an ice cream soda bottle for the Prurient's progeny . A smack on the bottom is the least painful . It is truly the extension of the over- glorified Gurukul system where the disciple did everything for his Master and Guru which may or may not include satisfying the mistress. Not so curious, really, considering the modern connotation of the word Mistress . Who can blame the lady : a strapping wood cutting six pack youth is a better choice to a wizened ,filthy ,matted hair, mumbling , old and pompous One .
The last time we were in a crowded shop when my friend asked me what I would like for my birthday, I couldn't resist saying ( yes, in that wicked stage whisper ) ; "a Coffee Maker please , preferably six foot , blue-eyed blonde , thank you !"
More MindBlast soon !
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