Moday MindBlast

We all make lists. Every one of us. I do not mean those boring grocery list or the tasks to be done lists   , the ones of which even half the stuff  doesn't get done on time  The list on the white board scrawled in green and red markers that gets carried over week by week . The one you look at , sigh , swear to yourself this weekend you will definitely do some of them or at least ONE of them  and then convince yourself weekends are not for lists and that you will start first thing on Monday. That same list which makes you feel so rotten as it stares at you every time you go into the room until you vanquish it and wipe the sneer off it's silly face.  Such joy when you strike just one item off it - the feeling of somehow taking the elevator all the way up to Mt Everest and now all you have to do is look around and drink in the pure beauty. 

No,  I intend talking about  those other lists , the secret ones I relish  ,  really interesting lists I revel in .I have several of those and now I shall make all privy to a few. I have the Genuinely-I- Want Wish List. This has as many as twenty items which are so mundane and hopeless  I don't  even bother about them  anymore  like " I wish I fit into my  skinny jeans again , I wish my hair grows back in those little patches that I cleverly hide by back combing , I wish my forehead would stop receding so that like male aging film stars I don't need to artfully arrange  bangs to cover them , I wish my mid region would  shrink so that  I don't  have to hold my breath for a photographs  and  it will not  jiggle so much when I am shaking a leg at the New Year  party etc etc . Most have to do with vanity and less with reality. 

It’s my Totally-Impossible-but-Hope-It-Happens Wish List which is really exciting. The first wish is that my unfinished scribblings stashed  in the dusty Adidas shoe box gets discovered a la Gone With The Wind style and then upon publication I become richer than J K Rowling and that I can buy Scottish castles and English Manors and a couple of Indian palaces . Of course ,  I have no idea what the heck I will do with them but let's not get real here. Alternately, I wish a long epic poem full of human misery and foreboding gloom penned by me wins the Nobel Prize. I may not make money but surely all the publicity will ensure that I can endorse some memory hocus-pocus drink or some runaway luggage or at least a pair of nerdy spectacles with tortoise shell plastic frames.

 That is followed by the wish that someone hides in my shopping bag while I am tooling aimlessly in the mall, this little black velvet bag of diamonds worth trillions like it happens in the Hadley Chase books which was made into the highly successful Bollywood movie Victoria No 203. I really don't  think  too much about disposing the diamonds part but it  would really really be  convenient if  the police or the rival gang guys or the cheated and angry Boss shoots the guy dead so no one ever  finds out about it and I am home free. I could just use them as paper weights for a start and sell them off one by one later.

 The next on the list that really sends me in a tizzy is that some rich Sheik sees me and has a déjà vu moment or a last birth revelation, realises I was the sloe-eyed beauty with lissome body and enchanting grace who mesmerised him with the Dance of the Seven Veils and stole his brave Bedouin heart away and then vanished forever. He bequeaths a couple of oil wells to me for old times’ sake. I am not one bit choosy but in the current political situation in those parts I would prefer a fiefdom where there isn’t much bombing going on. Now just in case you start thinking that all my wishes are  all about fame and fortune ( of course none  of us can have enough of that anyway) I also have in the  same list a wish for  becoming God's Chosen  Emissary and bringing joy and peace to all mankind , oh wait !!  That’s also about Fame and plenty of Fortune isn’t it? 

My next list is truly the BEST. It's the Absolute-Pleasure-Giving-Worth -Dying-For Wish List. 

This List starts with a smaller list in parenthesis, which comprises of the names of persons who are the subject matter of the List that I shall now reveal. These so-called persons, who are actually unworthy to be deemed human , are those nasty creatures who bitched about me without reasonable cause. There are , I am sure , many  to  whom I have given reasons  to be horrible and vile  to me and I do not  grudge them their meanness for as  a good sport I am willing to take what I dish out . However, the ones who have messed up a day or even a minute of my life,  oh boy are they going to finally get it and how! So the List which contains their names contains my Deadliest wishes too and the pun is very , very intentional.  

The first on that is after I die I wish that I turn into a vile screechy ghost who carries her head tucked neatly under her arm and runs up and down the corridors scaring the living daylights out of these listed people. All the ladies whom Henry VIII so cheerfully beheaded and are doing that in the Tower of London are my inspiration.  I think this wish should truly be granted as a reward for the few good deeds I have done. It shouldn't be difficult for St Peter for not many people will ask this.  His waiting list for this surely,  cannot be that long. The next exciting item on this list is more present day. It’s also a kind of contingency plan, if I get bitten by a rabid dog these are the. people to be bitten by me. Of course I will not tell them I have taken the injections and am not rabies- carrying anymore, I want them to suffer for the next fourteen days watching me. What is even more pleasurable, these horrible harridans are going to be praying for my survival like they've never prayed for anyone before. The  list goes on and on but I shall not relate  all other wickedly naughty things I wish  but neither shall  I keep the last item , which is not just an item , it's the ultimate fantasy wish. The wish is to have enough money to hire Wembley , invite all the  obnoxious people of the earth across nations and creeds  , the wily greedy grabbing-from-the-people Politicians,  the earth destroying Nature-marauding Business Honchos , the thieving Bankers,  the holier-than and talking-down to us pompous screeching all-knowing  television Anchors Journalists , the mind destroying no-principles-or-values Educationists , the God-calling Divinely self-endorsed  false Propagandists of religions , the Corrupt bureaucrats , those sitting  in exalted seats meting out injustice in the name of Justice and all those who have paid to get positions and are now earning it back every which way; to  invite them all for a mega party and then signal the aliens to take them to the farthest  moon of the most distant Galaxy and keep them there for all eternity . I did warn you it was a totally impossible wish. So off I go now to get cheated as I buy the without-any-preservatives  stuff in a department store ,to be  hoodwinked by some package that claims  it's all organic , to get conned by the advt that promises me soft  shiny hair , spotless younger skin, no-fat- keeping-my-heart-ticking oil and fizzy drinks that assure me  happiness and success  .
More MindBlast next Monday !